Dear John: Secrets Behind Closed Doors

Dear John; 

My one and only true friend, who would really know that life is a mystery that everyone has to solve. But like every other mystery, it too holds secrets behind closed doors, secrets that want to be discovered but choose to remain hidden. 

As such I have so much to tell you but the words are jumbled up in my head and I don't have enough ink in the pen so as I look to you my friend for guidance, my heart weighs heavy with the secrets I've kept hidden behind these doors that I want to tell you but it's like a fog that blocks my words, that obscures the truth and builds a wall in-between our relationship, once full of promise and love, has been shrouded in mystery and deceit. 

Behind the facade of our perfect life, I've been suffocating under the weight of these secrets. All the sleepless nights, and the secret whispering in my mind from these unknown voices that tempt me to commit horrific acts, silent tears draping down my face, my mind is a maze, with all the pieces of a puzzle that I refused to confront.

But the truth has finally shattered my denial. Every blow of revelation is a dagger to my heart and I don't know what to do. I can't hold on any longer, I'm broken, I'm alone, I'm hurt, I'm useless, I'm done, It's the end! I remember the dark and lonely nights, the horrible ringing in my ears due to the constant scraping sound out on my windowsill, my eyes straining to close as tears filled them up. 

My air supply running low, it's like I'm in a dark room with no air. It's official, I am a prisoner of my own mind. Of great despair, guilt, anxiety, depression, fear, embarrassment, shame, pain, anger, sadness, disgust, disappointment.

The secrets I unknowingly kept from you were just to keep you safe from the monsters that lurked beyond the naked eye. Loyalty blinded me to the truth. But now, clarity pierces the truth and that truth is that no matter what I am going through I should still be honest with you even though I didn't want you to be a part of my struggles. 

However, this is something that I can no longer keep on the low therefore you must know. I love our relationship and will forever cherish it as well as all the support that you have given me all this time but now that journey has come to an end where I must now stir a new course on my own. This is one battle that I must fight on my own. Being a prisoner of my own mind has helped me to realize that you deserve better and I have only been an anchor weighing down your ship of life so you are unable to sail the proper way. 

Inside this ice-cold fortress of solitude where the winds hurl on the mountainside, snow sparkling beautiful white on each and every side that highlights the pathway to my freedom that I must take for me to survive. I have tried and tried on many occasions to get out but something kept weighing me down but it was never our relationship. Our relationship was a beautiful thing that I kept destroying and constantly tried to hold onto while it kept tearing me apart. 

Darkness looms over my head and denial clouds my mind and judgement while pain and loneliness wraps my heart. Please don't be sad friend, but just know that I am still here when you need me but I need to find myself first to fully be with you. 

Your Friend,

Distraught.